Don’t silence your inner critic, listen to her👂
A story of struggle with imposter syndrome
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This is Looking Forward, a long-form exploration of life, storytelling, and the future of work, with a side of brand building, conscious commnication and coaching, served with a dash of mindfulness.
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“I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”
― Mark Twain
I suffered a bad case of imposter syndrome right before the Christmas break. It seemingly came out of nowhere. I got stuck in a “who do you think you are?” frame of mind just long enough (24 hours) to not publish my last post of the year.
My copywriter (who doubles as an accountability partner) was already on holiday. It was just the excuse my inner critic needed to take over. Instead of ignoring the gremlin inside my head, I stewed on her unkind message and my feeling of inadequacy.
It’s not a common occurrence for me to let myself believe in the negative inner chatter, which author Tara Mohr calls ‘the voice of not-me’.
I know better than to identify with my thoughts. I normally am rather adept at observing my negative thinking patterns instead of letting them rule my life. Aww well. Work in progress and all that.
There was nothing wrong with the piece I’d written and recorded. Hell, I’d just delivered a version of it as a speech, which was very well received days earlier. Could I have worked on it more? Per Mark Twain, above, yes. But it was still fine to publish.
Coming back to a blank page after the holidays, I naturally chose to tell you about my confidence wobble.
What the inner critic tends to ask for (beyond being listened to) is to make ourselves smaller.
What better way to shove it to her than to make myself bigger again, and share the messy truth?
It stands to reason that our critical inner person or voice rears its head most prominently when we do something new, daring, or something that exposes us in ways that could leave us harmed (metaphorically, physically, emotionally, you name it).
The more meaning and importance is assigned to this action, whether it’s going on a date, getting on camera, letting ourselves be seen by a wider audience, or on a stage of any kind, the louder the voice of the inner critic.
Putting ourselves out there in the world equates to sending a bat signal to a mean inner roommate.
Does it think it’s flying to our rescue? I think mine did…
Whether we choose to listen to the message it brings is the tricky bit.
IS THE DANGER SIGNAL REAL?
I had just gone through a second IVF trial, the day before the inner monologue debacle. Despite feeling perfectly fine, it is entirely possible that the cocktail of hormones pumping in my veins was fueling the fire of my inner narrator.
I regret not jotting down the words. The tone wasn’t mean, just very dry and matter of fact. The general gist was delivered as a resounding truth:
“It’s just not good enough. You’re just not good enough.”
Beyond the hormonal roller coaster 🎢, 2023 was a rare vintage of a year, and I faced some serious hurdles in the latter days of December.
When we are already tender or bruised, or simply feeling exhausted, it becomes that much harder to find the most appropriate response to an abysmal and unexpected drop in confidence.
How can we find the most suitable next action that will serve our intention, instead of listening to our critical inner saboteur?
THE RIPPLE EFFECT
While I journaled on the year gone by, a word came to mind: my word of 2024.
Expansion.
The word holds a deeper meaning to me than just the action of becoming larger and more expansive.
When I was going through my yoga teacher training in 2019, I found myself enrolled with a lineage linked to Kashmir Shaivism, a nondualist Hindu tradition of Shiva-Shakti Tantra.
I found myself strangely (or unexpectedly) at home in the cosmology of the tradition. One word in particular, one concept stood out: Spanda.
For that lineage, this Sanskrit word, Spanda is understood to mean “the pulse (of consciousness and vitality), or divine pulsation of energy present at all levels of being in our universe. It posits that concurrent energies of contraction and expansion exist in all of life.
Sounds weird? Look to your in-breath and out-breath, the functioning of our heart, for some simple examples. Some modern physicists even theorised that the universe could collapse back onto itself, from Big Bang to Big Crunch. And then would expand back out again, into a second big bang.
When the word expansion popped up, Spanda was right behind. It offered a meta-view (pun non-intended) to my earlier state.
Some thoughts bring us peace, invite spaciousness, or even a sense of freedom or release.
Others will bring our minds and bodies into a tight crunch, if not like me, to want to curl up into a ball.
Indeed, I’d felt small, contracted and tight — all feelings and sensations that come with stress, difficulties, as well as cold and tiredness, too.
Spanda. The natural bouncing back, the cyclical nature of the universe. Expansion, or the promise to break out of the tight, stiffness of hard thoughts, or hard times.
TRUSTING THE CYCLE
Curling up under a blanket is just what I’d planned for the holidays anyway. It so happens that my inner critic wanted me to go into hiding just at the same time. She (her name is Marie-Agnes, yes, I named her) wasn’t the only one made happy by this choice.
My inner child raved about my decision to watch morning movies for breakfast, and I loved playing ball in the sun with the dog. I fed my body and soul with joy. It made me feel more whole.
The ‘not good enough’ tape is still playing in there, somewhere, but the volume is not so loud. My inner roommate is not particularly proud to have stopped me in my publishing tracks. Now, she is the one making herself small. I see her trying to become one with the wall of my inner abode, looking like ‘me, I didn’t do that, did I?’...
FULL BODY AND MIND LISTENING
I’m not here to berate my inner voice. Or yours. Blaming ourselves isn’t the solution.
I believe that we need to pay attention to our thoughts — our inner voices — and check them for accuracy. As you may have heard before, we are not our thoughts.
Fact-checking is crucial, as all good journalists will tell you, because some of our thoughts are…. fake news!
Another wise Tara, Tara Brach, talks about paying attention to the messages contained in our strong emotions. Thanks to her, this is what I’ve learned.
Do not ignore your fear, find out what it’s telling you about your experience.
Do not ignore your anger, sadness or frustration. Find out the message they are carrying.
Do not ignore your inner critic… and don’t do what she says either. But look to see if you can work with or around her.
If you can, make space around these emotions, or the inner narrator voicing them. This will hopefully allow you to choose your response to the emotion, the thoughts, and the situation, rather than merely react, like I did.
I find comfort in the notion of Spanda. The recognition that it's in the nature of all things to go from a state of contraction to a state of expansion and that the cycle will continue.
Expansion, spaciousness, hope.
While managing stress or change may feel challenging, finding a visceral sense that “this too shall pass” can bring the awaited release that brings the possibility of expansion into being.
PS. Giving myself an A
Right after Christmas, I looked down at my right hand to notice that the flip charm of my favourite ring had fallen off.
YIKES! I was just meditating on the sofa, with my dog on my lap. I was terrified I’d lost it. And there it was, nestled between the cushions. It’s going to take a while to repair.
I found myself browsing for a replacement ring days later. Or should I say, dangerously browsing: I could feel the impulse purchase coming on.
I found a rose gold band adorned with tiny champagne diamonds, that spell out an initial. An A.
The sales assistant was hard at it; she offered me a discount and pushed me over the edge. I walked out wearing it.
It took me a few days until I realised I’d done more than purchase a piece of jewellery.
The A was staring at me in the face. Suddenly, I was reminded of the lesson taught by Benjamin Zander, the famed musical director of the Boston Philharmonic (that I wax lyrical about in these pages on a regular basis):
“The practice of giving an A transports your relationships from the world of measurement into the universe of possibility... This A is not an expectation to live up to, but a possibility to live into.”
Sometimes, a piece of jewellery is more than a piece of jewellery. That, or I’m just really great at making excuses.
HA! I gave myself an A.
Read about how to give yourself an A and why in the book, or watch Benjamin Zander talk about it here.
GOING DEEPER
Imposter syndrome can take many forms. Here are some resources if you have a need for tools and resources to help you deal with your own inner critic.
A great article: The New York Times just published this piece on tools to confront our fears and shift perspectives. Number two on the list is easy to access, if we remember to use it: ‘Focus on your values instead of your anxiety and fear.’
A great book: The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield, to work with the most insidious inner enemy, procrastination.
A great practice: The Work, by Byron Katie. The famed spiritual teacher and author is an expert at debugging our limiting beliefs (coach lingo for thoughts that don’t serve us and keep us acting and feeling small). She has an app where you can journal and try her method, or you could read her books. She is also doing live Zoom calls, and you can get access to the replays. If you want to change your thinking and you feel courageous, that’s the method I’d recommend.
A book, a course, or a facilitation training: Playing Big, by Tara Mohr. Mohr is a spectacular (and very generous coach) who helps women play bigger in their lives. The first chapter is on the Inner Critic. I have bought the book and gifted it to many friends: don’t hesitate, it’s worth getting, but also, do the exercises. Just reading won’t get you anywhere.